What Makes a Good Lover? The 5 Qualities That Deepen Erotic Connection

What Makes a Good Lover?

When it comes to intimacy, we often think of techniques, positions, or “skills in the bedroom.” But what truly makes a good lover has far less to do with performance… and everything to do with presence.

A good lover isn’t someone who does all the right things.

A good lover is someone who is all the right things: present and attuned to you, curious, playful, communicative, and open to learning (including about you and your body).

Real erotic connection lives in the spaces between bodies – in awareness, attention, and attunement.

I believe that a good lover should display these 5 key qualities…

The 5 Qualities for Deep Erotic Connection

1. Presence

Presence is the foundation of intimacy. It’s the difference between “just having sex” and making love; between being touched and truly felt.

A present lover listens with their whole body. They slow down enough to sense your breath, your subtle movements, the quiet “yes” or “no” your body is whispering.

When someone is fully present with you, your nervous system softens. Safety builds. And, most excitingly, pleasure expands.

2. Curiosity

Good lovers are endlessly curious. They don’t assume to know what you like – they discover it. They explore with a sense of wonder and play, staying open to what’s alive in each moment.

Curiosity invites communication, experimentation, and surprise. It keeps intimacy fresh – not because something new is needed, but because every encounter becomes a chance to meet your lover (and yourself) anew.

3. Playfulness

Erotic energy thrives on play.

When we bring a sense of humour, adventure, and creativity into our connection, pressure dissolves. Playfulness allows for mistakes, laughter, and spontaneity – the very ingredients that keep intimacy light, joyful, and real.

4. Communication

Great lovers talk about sex – before, during, and after. They ask, they listen, they share. They make consent and curiosity sexy.

Communication builds trust, and trust deepens pleasure. When both people feel safe to express their desires and boundaries, the experience naturally becomes more alive and connected.

5. An Openness to Learn Individually and Together

Intimacy is not a skill we master once; it’s an ongoing practice.

Being open to learn means being willing to meet your partner – and yourself – with humility and wonder, time and time again. Because bodies change, desires shift, and what worked yesterday might not today.

Good lovers grow together, staying curious about how their connection evolves over time.

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

Desire isn’t just about the body – it’s shaped by the mind, too. 

Jack Morin, a psychotherapist and author, identified four key elements that make things erotic. He called them ‘The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism’ – and they beautifully remind us that eroticism and desire are not just personal, physical, and playful… but deeply psychological, too.

1. Longing and Anticipation – The slow build-up, the tease, the waiting that make it hotter. Desire deepens when we allow space for it to grow rather than rushing to release.

2. Violating Prohibitions – The thrill of doing something slightly taboo, daring, or “forbidden.” This can be as simple as exploring a fantasy or letting yourself be seen in a new way.

3. Searching for Power – The delicious dance of surrender and control. This isn’t just about dominance and submission, but trust, vulnerability, and choosing who’s in control (who leads and who follows) in any given moment.

4. Overcoming Ambivalence – The push and pull of “yes” and “no”, and the delicious tension between wanting and resisting. This polarity makes desire electric, alive, and real.

Again, eroticism is emotional, mental, and deeply human. And while techniques fade, attunement, curiosity, and play all keep intimacy vibrant.

Becoming a Better Lover

Ultimately, what makes a person a good lover isn’t about them knowing all the tricks – it’s about them knowing how to be with another person.

It’s about knowing how to be present in their own body, and how to be curious about another’s.

And it’s about knowing how to meet in the space between – with honesty, tenderness, attunement, and playfulness.

That’s where erotic connection truly begins, after all.