Six Powerful Seconds: The Gottman-Backed Daily Affection Rituals for Passionate Relationships

The Power of Everyday Affection

When couples come to therapy wanting to “feel close again”, sharing that they want to feel closer, more connected, and more “in sync” again, they often imagine that they need big romantic gesture solutions – a romantic getaway, a reignited sex life, or a long list of techniques to try.

But, more often than not, the path back to connection is much simpler. It begins with small, consistent, trust-building moments of affection that remind both partners: I see you. I’m here. We’re in this together.

Two of the most powerful tools for this come from Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute and giants in the field of relationship research. Their work in couples therapy repeatedly shows that everyday affection – not just sexual intimacy – is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction.

And two affection rituals stand out above the rest: the six-second kiss and the twenty-second hug.

Though they may sound small and simple (and even a little playful), their impact on connection and desire is deeply effective.

Why the six-second kiss & twenty-second hug work

Though simple and quick to do, both the six-second kiss and the twenty-second hug are long enough to do something essential: they slow the nervous system, shift you out of the day’s busyness, and bring you back into your bodies… and into each other.

A six-second kiss and a twenty-second hug have been shown to:

• Increase oxytocin, the yummy love (aka ‘bonding’) hormone

• Increase feelings of safety & trust

• Reduce cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone

• Lower blood pressure & heart rate

• Boost mood

• Strengthen emotional & relational connection

In other words, they gently remind your bodies that you are safe together – and, as we know, from safety, desire grows (more on that in my post, What Makes a Healthy Relationship?).

These aren’t grand gestures. They’re simple, grounding, and surprisingly nourishing rituals that build affection, trust, intimacy, and attunement over time when practised consistently.

The Gottmans recommend integrating these two rituals into daily life – especially for hellos and goodbyes.

Affectionate touch helps women feel better in their bodies – and relationships

A 2024 study published in the journal Body Image titled, ‘Women Who Experience More Affectionate Touch Report Better Body Satisfaction and Relationship Outcomes’ explored the deeper impact of everyday touch.

Across a sample of 1,156 partnered women, researchers found that those who received more affectionate touch – hugging, hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, or gentle caresses – reported:

• Higher body satisfaction

• Stronger emotional connection

• Greater relationship satisfaction

• Higher sexual satisfaction

One significant finding is that feeling good in her body mattered more for sexual satisfaction than how her body looked.

Pleasure has always been an inside job. Women feeling good in their bodies is so important for healthy, satisfying sex lives.

When a woman feels grounded, relaxed, and emotionally safe in her body, she’s less likely to shift into self-critique and far more able to feel into the sensations that make sex and intimacy enjoyable. And affectionate, pressure-free touch from a partner supports this shift beautifully.

It goes to show that pleasure does not care what a body looks like, or about its shape or size – it is available to be experienced by (and in) every body.

When affection starts feeling like pressure

In my clinic, I often observe a common pattern play out when affectionate touch begins to feel like a doorway to sex rather than to connection for women:

• She withdraws from affection because that touch feels like a signal for sex.

• He feels rejected.

• She feels pressured.

• Both feel disconnected.

The withdrawal is not because she doesn’t want affection, but because it feels safer to avoid touch altogether than risk disappointing her partner. When women pull away from affection due to the anticipatory fear of something she might not be available for in that moment, tension grows. 

A simple hug becomes loaded, and a kiss an entryway to something she may not be ready for. The touch that should bring comfort and closeness begins to cause anxiety and disconnect instead. And, slowly, the ease of affection starts to fade… 

When this cycle takes hold for the couples I’m supporting, the first step is almost always the same: we remove sex from the table for a while.

Immediately, this takes the pressure off both partners and allows affectionate touch to become safe and enjoyable again – something done for connection, not from expectation.

From here, couples can rebuild the foundations that intimacy truly depends on: safety, emotional connection, and trust. Only when safety and ease return can desire re-emerge naturally.

These foundations were likely the ones your relationship began on – and they remain essential if passion is going to flourish long-term.

Why everyday affection nourishes long-term desire

Affection isn’t trivial. It’s one of the simplest, yet most powerful, ways to keep connection alive and a relationship flourishing.

Daily touch helps couples:

• Feel emotionally attuned

• Maintain closeness during stressful seasons

• Strengthen trust

• Increase body confidence

• Support deeper sexual satisfaction

• Keep passion alive in long-term relationships

And small, everyday rituals of affection – like the six-second kiss and twenty-second hug – help couples to slow down, reconnect, and nurture the warmth that fuels desire.

Research will continue to show and remind us that affection supports emotional closeness, body confidence, and sexual satisfaction (especially for women!). And lived experience shows that when touch feels safe, playful, and pressure-free, intimacy naturally deepens.

What the Gottmans have shown through decades of relationship research is this: affection is the quiet thread that holds intimacy together.

It’s not the “big moments” that build lasting desire, but the micro-moments of connection that tell your nervous system: You’re safe here. You’re wanted. You matter.

Want to explore this more deeply?

If you’re curious about rebuilding connection, shifting unhelpful patterns, or bringing more ease and pleasure back into your relationship, I’m always happy to share more of this work with you.

Sometimes the smallest, simplest changes make the biggest difference.