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5 States of Eroticism

When I first learned about the 5 States of Eroticism from Jaiya a massive penny dropped inside me. I could relate to the times in my life when sex just wasn’t at the forefront of my mind.


There wasn’t anything wrong with me, I wasn’t broken as mainstream media would have me believe. I was either at the end of a relationship, healing from life or being selective with who I had sex with. All valid reasons for not having sex right?


I want you to know it is really really normal to have times in life when sex just isn’t a priority or libidos disappear. The magic key is not getting stuck in no-sex land.


In full disclosure of my own humanness, at this point in my life I’m not interested in having sex with another. I am healing from the end of a relationship. It feels weird admitting that to you, you know, me being a Somatic Sexologist I “should” be wanting it all the time right. Wrong, that’s not realistic.



Anyone who has worked with me, either individually or at an event, will know I don’t believe we need to push our bodies beyond what feels good for them. Resting and healing are good for the body, heart and mind and both take time.


In understanding the 5 States of Eroticism it is easier to accept when your sex life is in a different place from where you want it to be. Most of us want hot, erotic, satisfying sex lives and, just like life, libidos go through cycles too.



Check out the 5 States of Eroticism:

  1. RESTING is a conscious choice to be without sex such as choosing celibacy, being in a sexless relationship or between partners. The shadow for resting is getting stuck here, with starting the sex engine falling into the “too hard” basket. Let me assure you, it can definitely be restarted 😉

  2. HEALING can be on all levels, body, mind and/or soul, from experiences like having a baby, the end of relationship, being sick, any kind of trauma. The shadow for healing is also getting stuck in no-sex land however this time it can be from a feeling of being broken and fear to move forward.

  3. CURIOUS is when you are learning new sexy things including how your body works, experiences you’re interested in having. The shadow side for curious is not moving from information to embodiment, it’s reading all the books, learning from courses and not putting into practice what you’re learning about. Not grounding information in body keeps it in your head as theory only.

  4. ADVENTUROUS is the expansion into things you been learning about and starting to regulate your experiences. The shadow of adventurous is finding your edge of resistance and moving beyond it continually, pushing past beyond your body’s comfort zone to chase the next new sexual experience without integrating first.

  5. TRANSFORMATIONAL is where things move into the spiritual realms with practices like Taoist or Tantra practices. Moving sex beyond the physical. The shadow to transformational is believing this is the ultimate way to be sexual and anything else is below it. I’ll put my hand up here and say, yep, I had that opinion for years. I’m happy to share there is so much more amazing sex to be had because it comes in so many varieties and flavours, all equal in their capacity to bring about pleasure, satisfaction and deep connection.


When working with clients, both individuals and couples, I find the most common states are resting, healing, curious and adventurous states.


Can you relate to a particular state? Are you caught in the shadow of a state and wanting to shift into a different stage?

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